Posts tagged ‘alex’

June 16, 2010

A New Level of Trust

So, as far as I’m concerned, my relationship with Alex has reached whole new level of trust. I let Alex put his dick somewhere this morning that I never intended to let a guy go again. Every other guy has had a smaller dick than him and hurt me when I tried anal with them. But none of them would be slow or gentle and they wouldn’t stop when I said it started to hurt, so I swore to myself I would never do it again. But, I’m on my period, so I can’t do anything and I woke up in the middle of the night playing with his dick. I guess I was dreaming about making love to him or something.  We sat there and played around for a couple hours because of it, and I’ve let him put his finger in my ass. It’s small so it feels really good, but this time he was rubbing his dick on my asshole and it felt really good and it was wet so it would slide across well. He sat there and played with it for a long time till the tip just kid of slid in. We actually had it in for quite a while. It didn’t get that deep, but it actually felt wonderful and he was so gentle and made me feel so good. He got more than the head in, that’s for sure. It just proves he  really is my soulmate. I completely trust him with my body, heart, and soul and I don’t even have to try. Everything he does feels good to me and I know he would never intentionally hurt me. He always says the greatest things in bed too. Like telling me how he loves having a freaky little girl. And I absolutely love being able to trust him enough to do all that freaky stuff with him. It seems like everything he suggests to try, I totally enjoy it. I don’t think I could enjoy my sex life this much with anyone else. He knows exactly what to say and do, and where to touch to make me ecstatically happy and incredibly turned on. I am soo damn lucky to have gotten my hands on him.  He is my perfect man. Not just the fact that our bodies seem like they were created for each other, (I let him do things that other girls wouldn’t even try and hardly any girl could handle the size of his cock but it’s perfect to me.) but he makes me happier emotionally than I ever thought possible. Don’t get me wrong, we have our fights but I would not give it up for the world. That dick, those incredible abs, that heart of gold, and that beautiful mind are all mine.

June 14, 2010


For 2 weeks now, I have been coughing and hacking like no other and I have finally decided that I have, once again, come down with pnuemonia. Stupid fucking cigarettes. I have to go to the doctor tomorrow. I really hate doctors. It’s getting really bad though and I don’t have any choice. I almost passed out walking through Wal-mart with Alex because I couldn’t get enough air. The only thing that can even remotely help stop my coughing is Lortabs. Luckily, I am resourceful and can find plenty of those. Or Alex does. Either way we keep them around. Dr. Campbell hopefully will give me this codeine cough syrup I usually get when I have pnuemonia. I guess I ought to take my ass to bed now and try to get some rest. Sucky.

Peace, love and crabs.

June 12, 2010

I really love sex. Well, I really love sex with Alex. Never, ever had better. I never really expected to find sex this good. I will admit, I have slept with more than my fair share of men, but he is by far the most amazing thing I have ever experienced. I am so sore inside right now, but it was well worth it. I never really thought I could find a dick I could be content with for the rest of my life, but I honestly can’t imagine making love to anyone else now. Even remembering sex with other guys is vague and fuzzy. Like I never really had sex before him.

He’s amazing in so many other ways, too. He has so many talents I couldn’t even begin to name them. Makes me sad he works in a steel shop. All that wasted ability and creativity. I’m pushing for him to take night classes in something, anything. It would make him happier. He needs challenges. He’s constantly trying to find ways to challenge himself at everything.

It’s time for me to get off here now. I had no sleep last night and I’m sick. Goodnight and peace, love and crabs.

June 2, 2010

The Truest Description of Love

I found this a while back and it is the perfect summary of my feelings with Alex. I want to get  a print of it to hang on the wall.

June 2, 2010

All Dressed Up With Nothing to Do

I just don’t get how the best nights can take these amazingly abrupt turns into total bullshit. My boyfriend is being an asshole and I don’t know what to do about it. We were supposed to go to a concert tonight, but  it was cancelled, so we went out to eat. Afterwards, we went to Priscillas and I got some cuffs and outfit. We came home, I put on my outfit and we watched a movie. Throughout the movie, he’s squeezing my ass and rubbing on me cause I’m wearing my new outfit. Halfway through, he stops the movie and asks if I want to go lay down. Thinking I’m gonna get laid, I go with him and sit there for 30 minutes while he smokes a cigarette and chills waiting for him to do something. Finally I roll over and say forget it, since apparently I’m not going to get anything. After that it turns into a fight. All of it leads back to the fact that he’s said all these different romantic things he’s done for other girlfriends and I haven’t seen anything. Supposedly, I’m better to him than any of them, but I don’t get to be romanced. And I don’t even have to be romanced, just being dominated would be great. But he said the reason because he was relaxing and was going to have a little romance before we did anything, but I’m sitting there in lingerie and I’m waiting 20 minutes, so I gave up.Don’t get me wrong, I would absolutely love something romantic. I’ve pretty much never experienced it. Alex did buy me a sweet card one day, but he also brought a 19 yr old chick home from the store with him that day (long story). So it kind of ruined the gesture for me. I wish he would make some genuinely romantic gestures. I’ve never had any really and I want to spend my life with him. I want to get the things he says his other girlfriends got. It really fucks with me and hurts.

June 1, 2010

Thoughts on Love

Today at 12:11am
“Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep… wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you’re just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky his is to have you…. The one who turns to his friends and says, ‘that’s her.’”

Not necessarily just girls but for anyone that found someone special.

If you do, remember this quote regardless and be true.

Love is love.

❤ ❤

-Joshua Joshy Gauger 5/31/2010
A quote by my soon-to-be little brother. Alex does all these things and more. He’s so amazing. I am one of the luckiest women alive.
May 27, 2010

I am so amazingly fucked up, I’m surprised I can type. And I’m not even using spellcheck. Wow. This is probably gonna be one of those posts I look at tomorrow and delete cause I should never have posted it in the first place. I should just go to bed and yet I sit here contemplating nothing really. Alex wants me to go to bed and I want him to slam me up against a wall and fuck me. I’m tired of always being the aggressor in bed. I’ve never had this problem before. Why do I want him so bad? Better question, why doesn’t he want me as much as I want him? I am amazingly hot, I fuck like a porn star, I’m doing my best to learn to deepthroat for him. I actually want to deepthroat his cock. WTF! Yet somehow I always feel like I have to go to him for it. It’s like my past relationships turned around. Wow. Maybe tripping actually helps me think things through. I have reversed the roles from every other relationship I’ve been in, which makes me the asshole now. I get it now and it’s too complicated to explain but I have had one of those shroomie epiphanies and it’s all my fault. Luckily, he’s loyal so I can fix it. I have time ot fix it. But I will have to remember patience. I’m the one who fucked up in the first place. I can’t be Will and I see what I’m truning myself into. I have to make a list of rules to remind myself what I need to do. How sad I’m tripping and learning how to fix my life before I fuck up the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

  1. Patience I fucked up our perfect relationship, now I have to fix it.
  2. If he is treating me in a way differently from when we first met, don’t react to it. Anger is what I have conditioned him to expect.
  3. DO NOT YELL Nothing is worth getting that angry over. Breathe and take 1 minute to tell myself it is not that big a deal.
  4. He is only distant from me because a) he doesn’t understand my mood swings and b) he needs solitary time too.
  5. Don’t sweat all the damn small stuff. I take everything in life far too seriously.
  6. Stop yelling at the girls everything they do is small stuff and I have conditioned them to expect yelling and meaness too.
  8. If I am not nicer to him I will lose him. I should tell myself that everytime I get mean.
  9. Remeber that I am extra mean to people and overly critical of everything.

Wow I could really just look at all this and hate myself but instead.. I am going to say I am only 25 and my children are still young. My anger problems have not permanently damaged my children or my relationship with my boyfriend. I still have time to fix myself and the realtionships with all of the people most important to me. I will start looking at everything around me and realizing that it is all just small shit. I have a roof over my head, food on my table, children and a man who love me and are willing to put up with my awful attitude and mood swings. My children don’t deserve the anger I throw their way and I will stop doing it.I will get up in the morning tomorrow and tell my daughters I love them. I will seat myself at a chair and a table in the center of the room and I will not raise my voice in an unpleasant emotion 1 time. If I discipline my children I will calmly put them in timeout and I will not yell at them. If I feel my boyfriend is doing something wrong or I want to get upset with him, I will realize it does not matter. Whatever I am mad about is not important and I probably shouldn’t even be mad. I will remind myself every hour of the day that I have anger issues and I have absolutely no reason to be mad. Smile and enjoy my wonderful life. In 2 or 3 weeks everything will be back to how it was when we first got together. It’s me that changed and it caused him to change. Now I have to fix it to have my Alex back. And my girls deserve a calmer, more loving mother.

I feel pretty sober now. The trip is come down and I should go to sleep but I’m glad I figured this out tonight.

May 25, 2010

Ringtone Boredom

So, I know I should be studying… ugh. Nutrition and politics.. just my favorite topics. So, instead I have been wasting my money buying ringtones. Yay! I hadn’t downloaded any before this and I just couldn’t take it anymore. Those stupid sounds that come on the phone are incredibly boring and annoying. I went ahead and downloaded several Jason Mraz songs, and a couple assorted others for specific  people, like You’re A Jerk for Willy and Hey Soul Sister for Christina. And, of course, one fo my favorite songs ever, Lucky by Jason Mraz for Alex’s ringtone. I love that song and it is so perfect for us.

Do you hear me,
I’m talking to you
Across the water across the deep blue ocean
Under the open sky oh my, baby I’m trying
Boy I hear you in my dreams
I feel your whisper across the sea
I keep you with me in my heart
You make it easier when life gets hard

I’m lucky I’m in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again

They don’t know how long it takes
Waiting for a love like this
Every time we say goodbye
I wish we had one more kiss
I’ll wait for you I promise you, I will

I’m lucky I’m in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
I’m lucky we’re in love in every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

And so I’m sailing through the sea
To an island where we’ll meet
You’ll hear the music, fell the air
I’ll put a flower in your hair
Though the breezes through trees
Move so pretty you’re all I see
As the world keeps spinning round
You hold me right here right now

I’m lucky I’m in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
I’m lucky we’re in love in every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

So perfect for us.
May 21, 2010

The Host

Life is just odd sometimes. I’m not sure what to think of it. Alex is great in so many amazing ways, but then he’s bad in these not-really-big-but-i-don’t-know-if-i-can-handle-it kinda ways. Like the drinking. It’s never-ending. He’s always drinking beer. Granted he never gets so drunk that he’s mean or anything. I don’t think he would ever get mean while he’s drinking. At least, not the kind of mean that pops into my head when I think of mean drunks. But I can’t stand the alcohol just the same. Now he’s got this breathalyzer device installed in his truck, so he really can’t drink. It will go off if he was even drinking the night before. It’s really kinda funny in a mean way.

Anyways, so we’ve got this new little 16 yr old that’s coming over to pick stuff up now. A friend of a friend of  Alex’s. He’s cool, but that’s just so young. It kinda weirds me out. I know it’s no big deal, I just never hang out with anyone that young. I’ve been smoking since he was 1. It’s slightly creepy for me and makes me feel very old.

So, I’m sitting up here at Borders drinking a coffee slushee. Mmm I love them. I really need a cigarette, though. I’ll wait a little longer. I have to pack up all my crap to go outside. I got a new book, The Host by Stephanie Meyer. I loved the Twilight series, so I figured I should try her other book. I also need to pick up the other books by Charlaine Harris. I just finished the new Sookie Stackhouse novel. It  was really, really good. Well, I guess I should go smoke my cig and then do my test for Nutrition class.

Peace, love and crabs.

May 15, 2010

Mmmm.. Morning Sex

There is just nothing like an orgasm in the morning to start your day off right. 😀 My man has the most amazing dick ever. Maybe just to me, but it’s PERFECT!!! I have been with a lot of men in my life, far too many honestly, but nobody can compare to him in bed. Or anywhere else we decide to have a little fun. He’s the first man who could make me orgasm during sex. Soo amazing. The weirdest part, to me at least, is that he says most other woman couldn’t handle sex with him because his dick is too big. Which, don’t me wrong, I love his dick, I find hard to believe because his dick is not that big. Large yes. Probably the biggest I’ve had, but not scary big. I just love what he does with it. Mmmm.. gives me tingles just thinking about

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