I am so amazingly fucked up, I’m surprised I can type. And I’m not even using spellcheck. Wow. This is probably gonna be one of those posts I look at tomorrow and delete cause I should never have posted it in the first place. I should just go to bed and yet I sit here contemplating nothing really. Alex wants me to go to bed and I want him to slam me up against a wall and fuck me. I’m tired of always being the aggressor in bed. I’ve never had this problem before. Why do I want him so bad? Better question, why doesn’t he want me as much as I want him? I am amazingly hot, I fuck like a porn star, I’m doing my best to learn to deepthroat for him. I actually want to deepthroat his cock. WTF! Yet somehow I always feel like I have to go to him for it. It’s like my past relationships turned around. Wow. Maybe tripping actually helps me think things through. I have reversed the roles from every other relationship I’ve been in, which makes me the asshole now. I get it now and it’s too complicated to explain but I have had one of those shroomie epiphanies and it’s all my fault. Luckily, he’s loyal so I can fix it. I have time ot fix it. But I will have to remember patience. I’m the one who fucked up in the first place. I can’t be Will and I see what I’m truning myself into. I have to make a list of rules to remind myself what I need to do. How sad I’m tripping and learning how to fix my life before I fuck up the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

  1. Patience I fucked up our perfect relationship, now I have to fix it.
  2. If he is treating me in a way differently from when we first met, don’t react to it. Anger is what I have conditioned him to expect.
  3. DO NOT YELL Nothing is worth getting that angry over. Breathe and take 1 minute to tell myself it is not that big a deal.
  4. He is only distant from me because a) he doesn’t understand my mood swings and b) he needs solitary time too.
  5. Don’t sweat all the damn small stuff. I take everything in life far too seriously.
  6. Stop yelling at the girls everything they do is small stuff and I have conditioned them to expect yelling and meaness too.
  8. If I am not nicer to him I will lose him. I should tell myself that everytime I get mean.
  9. Remeber that I am extra mean to people and overly critical of everything.

Wow I could really just look at all this and hate myself but instead.. I am going to say I am only 25 and my children are still young. My anger problems have not permanently damaged my children or my relationship with my boyfriend. I still have time to fix myself and the realtionships with all of the people most important to me. I will start looking at everything around me and realizing that it is all just small shit. I have a roof over my head, food on my table, children and a man who love me and are willing to put up with my awful attitude and mood swings. My children don’t deserve the anger I throw their way and I will stop doing it.I will get up in the morning tomorrow and tell my daughters I love them. I will seat myself at a chair and a table in the center of the room and I will not raise my voice in an unpleasant emotion 1 time. If I discipline my children I will calmly put them in timeout and I will not yell at them. If I feel my boyfriend is doing something wrong or I want to get upset with him, I will realize it does not matter. Whatever I am mad about is not important and I probably shouldn’t even be mad. I will remind myself every hour of the day that I have anger issues and I have absolutely no reason to be mad. Smile and enjoy my wonderful life. In 2 or 3 weeks everything will be back to how it was when we first got together. It’s me that changed and it caused him to change. Now I have to fix it to have my Alex back. And my girls deserve a calmer, more loving mother.

I feel pretty sober now. The trip is come down and I should go to sleep but I’m glad I figured this out tonight.


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